Wrargblarwraragblarwrarag blar
why is my stomach still broken? this has been tooo long for stomach broken ness. Over 3 months. also i need to somehow make phil and gabe not friends, except i wont actually do this. gabe is exponentially dumber everytime i talk to him after hes hung out with phil, and now i dont want to sound over controlling which is definitely probably what this is and how this sounds...BUT phil undoes any positive goodness towards gabe getting his shit together that i do, and if it can be so super easily undone whats the point anyway,
I AM SO HAPPY TO GO HOME. i miss my dogs i miss shitty junk foods i miss all of the things.

Im procrastinating studying for the most boring midterms. the subjects arent boring just the sections of them. Life is okay. I moved in with a friend who lives in the hippy dowm which is a mixed bag. I really like being in a community sort of thing and being able to hang out with people if i want, but i do still vaguely feel like an outsider in it and am not willing to pout forth the effort to not be. Living with chauncey is good, we're pretty compatible temperament living wise, but of course there's always smallish issues that come up. its weird. i do think its good i live with people because i miss having someone to come home to, but i also miss being able to disappear from everyone and watch 3 hours of mad men and not be judged for it at all, although living in a double is a lot more manageable than a quad. i really hope she doesnt get a girlfriend before i leave. I have a hard time in college. I just want to smoke weed and go for a walk and watch tv and cook food. these are my desires. everyone else i feel needs to talk to everyone ever now and drink all the cheap wine ever now and blablah. i feel like im 40 years old and they aren't. not that im saying im more mature, our interests just differ. i think though that life will be much more managable when i live off campus. also i am terrified of the real world. i know everyone says that but is dawning on me that in a couple years ill either have to go to grad school or get a job both prospects are terrifying. im going to get my liscense this summer. i will never know how to spell. i am vaguely depressed and disinterested. i miss gabe a lot and have become more and more homesick. therapists teach you how to deal with stress anbd panic and depression, but how do you deal with homesickness?

College is good. I was genuinely dreading coming back to school because allie wasnt going to be here and she was like an appendage I had . So i do miss my appendage, but so far its good because it just makes me spend time with other people and make knew friends and such. though i hate doing that because im always afraid like im too clingy or not clingy enough, or is it like dating where you wait for them to call you. I just flat out get too worked up about this stuff entirely, so thats been my life. My classes this semester are great topics with good professors and I have friends in most of my classes, however i am anxious to start my art class. This is mostly paper arts, so i make sculpture out of cardboard and such, which requires a large level of attention to detail and neatness that i struggle with. Its weird to live in a single too. I haven't lived on my own in such a fashion for a very very long time. Spending time alone was something i used to really enjoy but now induces panic attacks. I even missed kyla yesterday thats how bad it was. so i mostly wander from one friends room to the next for company or take naps.I have no excuse at all to not get good grades this semester. I miss gabe, but its always easy for me to adjust to not being around him because my mind just rejects him as a possibility out right which is a nice function. Though I can't wait till he comes and visits me. I would say portland is probably one of the best places to be a young couple in. Im hoping hell come up on a sunny day and we can go to the beach and frolic and such. Im very proud of gabe for having his job and going to school and making shit happen for himself. I hope he doesnt fuck it up and what not. I could really see me and him getting married one day. I feel like our relationship has gotten ten times better over this summer.

Okay. am in costa rica. Ive seem so much shit. I hiked a vertical mile today in 108 degree weather and 80 percent humidity. But then i saw scarlet macaws, which in the wild are like living rainbows.
Here is a list of things ive seen
4 baby armadillos
tapir
pecary
4 bat species
green macaw
scarlet macaw
howler monkey
capuchin
koiti
agouti
iguana
gecko
tenosaur
oropendulas
quetzal
6 hummingbird species
jacanas
gallinules
spectacled owls
anhinga
poison dart frogs
giant cockroaches
many vipers(more than worth listing)
and so much more!
when i first got here I was kind of in disbelief. the whole plane ride over here i was just kind of like what am i doing? i cant do this. i literally didnt even know where to go when i got to the country, i was just blindly going. it was pretty crazy. we went salsa dancing and ive drunk a suprising amount of alcohol. i have seen so many beautiful things. I mostly like the people here. there's one girl that i feel most people aren't fans of but other then that its pretty good. i drink sometimes but theres a group of 7 or so who get shit faced a lot. and everyones just like damn bitches what. i miss weed : (. I am glad you dont go through withdrawl for weed. I am really enjoying this but the place we're at right now is pretty miserable, very beautiful but very mesquitosuusy. i feel like ive been here for years. i also feel very happy about the life ive led after graduation so far and i feel as if my life is adequitely rich. if i can only keep up this pace for the rest of my life. probably not but oh well. I also obscenely miss gabe. its difficult : (. the days go buy really quickly now so it wont be that much longer i guess. 16 days. i also talked to christian last night which was odd but nice. i hope i get closer again to him next year because i really like him. i think we will because we're neighbors and all. i miss alliebutt. i have lots of pent up sexual energy. miss gabe...

Africa es una mejor,ella tiene mala suerte. Ella comienza sustantivo nuevo en la estacion de metro de Opera. Africa conocio Buenaventura y Buentaventura invita ella en a cita.Buenaventura gana los dos Super Extras. Buenaventura y africa tienen almuerzo. Africa y Buenaventura ir al parque de zoologico y es un accidente. En el parque de zoologica africa y buenaventura miran muchos animales. Es un problema con los manos, los manos gritan y saltan. Don Jose offerio el dinero y el vino. Es un accidente y policia preguntan al Buenaventura.Buenaventura y Africa explican al policia y es bueno en la termina.

I HATE SCHOOL IT IS KILLING ME. CHEM 2 +Calc+ GENETIC+ BEing EDITOR+SPANISH WITH CRAZY LADY is no good. is killing me. this week will be hell/is hell. I will never be done with work. will never sleep. Must study chem. Hate chem so much,
HOWEVER, not last weekend but the weekend before was very good!. Gabe came up and we
got haircuts at hipster hair cut place
ate at really good pub
went to shops in portlands
ate lunch at noodles (which serves NOODLES and is good)
went to saturday market. gabe bought me bitchen sabertooth shirt
drove to water falls at night and hiked up to them. very nice romantic. found brown recluse on way back.
went to aquarium next day. saw puffins! and giant deep ocean crabs! and other cool animals. and went to very bizarre store. very bizarre. Drove back
went to dinner at cheescake factory. split delicious cheesecake
had super quick sex multiple times. sheets bloody
yay

so help me god if one of those fucking freshman get a spot in new zealand and i dont, or for christs sakes, A PSYCHOLOGY MAJOR.

I am supah happy. although there's a good chance I wont get into the new zealand program because of my stupid transfer status bullshit, but i will still try! and i will preserver! if not maybe i can go to costa rica? NEED TO FINISH THOSE APPS ASAP! worst comes to worst ill just work at zoo/birds again and take a bio class or something like that for fun. Life here is goooood. I am really happy i went here and endured the weird awkward first 2 months or so because its so nice to go to a school where you like most people and you know most people, and most importantly one that's in portland! crystal castles on march 4th! which im also really excited about. so far being the illustration editor has been good, but its like sometimes on layout they dont like whatever i did and so instead of telling me to fix it they'll just do it and not tell me and it pisses me off, but in general its less work and stress than i expected so its fine. im also joining the roller derby, which trumps lacrosse. next semester i think i will join crew because most of my friends are on it. i am also friends with a high proportion of lesbians which is nice oddly enough. my roommate kyla was really sweet and colored a picture of a robin for me. me and allie found a dead bird, a wren that was very pretty. we were going to taxidermy it but doing that would cost 200, so we buried him last night and played music and said a few words. last weekend was crazy-town and i got as drunk as i've ever been. this weekend however promises to be less fun because i have to finish my over seas app and my costa rica personal essay.
also i have a friend from israel! i spent like two hours asking her questions about it last night. was exciting. need calc tutor as well. on the relationship note, i really love gabe and would probably marry him if we were older but it sucks doing long distance. i wish he was a normal person and had money so he could just go to school up here. also gabe finally got an internship , so huzzah.

my roommate responds to stress by vomiting. isnt this great? i wake up at 7 this morning today to the sound of retching and then go back to sleep.at least the room doesnt smell like vomit?
bridget i got your postcard! finally ive started recieveing mail again for some reason or another i get something every day now thats a month or two old.
things are good here...i m trying to think of something relevant to say but nothing really changes. ali's boyfriend is a jesus freak which is amusing and according to him the most sexually satisfied group of women are married christians.
yep
im trying to write this paper that in all likelihood ill get a b minus on any way which makes it hard to actually start writing it bcause my teachers such a hard fucking grader. I also hate english papers with an unholy passion.
Im done with BIO lab FINALLLLY. my first giant semi-professional research paper is DONEEE>
8 more days until i fly home which means i have to awkwardly ask diane for a ride to the airport this weekend, i am so happy to go home i cannot convey this in words
i have no idea what my grades are in any of my classes, although i know theyre not lower than bs because none of my tests or major assignments have been lower than b, except spanish but in spanish worksheets we do count more than tests so go figure: blahragrag
things with gabe are currently outstanding/where when i was home so hopefully they will continue to be decent.
have not fought yet. this whole not living together in 10 square feet 24 hours a day works wonders for any relationship though.
i hate how badly i write. i never wrote with much clarity but sometimes i could whip out some decent shit and by the end of high school that got beaten out of me completely.
chemistry final is going to kick my ass
i have decided no smoking until finals are done
but when i get home...
went christmas shopping last weekend. now have presents. exciting
cannot think of more shit to write about so ill write my terrible essay now.

I am literally in such a bad mood, not depressed or anything like that but just furious at everything. My roommate's fucking boyfriend never, ever leaves. they're arguing about fucking high scores on tap tap. they listen to terrible pop music ( katy perry and kesha all the time). boyfriend sings all the time. they acessorize each other. the girl does not realize that her food is NOT recyclable and so theres fucking ROTTING food in our recycling. does anyone understand my frustration?
also my lab partner in bio is a complete and total moron. she has a camel toe. she has huge eye brows that literally require a legitimate haircut. i should post the fucking draft she wrote on here because it is sosososoososososo terrible, and not even terrible in my typo sense horrible in that when i was 9 i could have you could have and my dog could have written something better.
i have so much work this weekend
i am so angry. AND IM NEVER FUCKING ALONE EVER AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.